you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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