i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you traded sex for a burrito?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
