Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
im calling her cock vulture from now on
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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