I think I won the penis lottery.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Randomize
