I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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