In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
