He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
