I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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