I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
