I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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