I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
