The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
