great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
