why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
