dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
