My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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