can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
