So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
