i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
