He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
