I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i drank out of a bidet.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
