I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
