i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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