New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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