I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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