My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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