Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
