My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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