Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
