My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
