Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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