Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
