So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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