I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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