so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
