I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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