it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
