the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
