be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
