my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
