i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
