she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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