And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
