Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Randomize
