I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
