The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
