apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
