its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
