if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
