I hate all girls vehemently.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
