the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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