Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i already hear my dad disowning me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
