bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
