You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
