Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
