I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
