woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
