I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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